


Wait for me

by essekgaylyss



Series: Shadowgast Playlist [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Also war sucks, Angst, Canon Compliant, Essek is not a traitor, M/M, Some kissing, They talk about their feelings (kind of), post episode 90
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22204867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/essekgaylyss/pseuds/essekgaylyss
Summary: "I have not let my guard down entirely for him, but maybe we are assholes.”Essek and Caleb finally talk about their feelings.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Series: Shadowgast Playlist [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2108238
Comments: 18
Kudos: 212





	Wait for me

**Author's Note:**

> After all the traitor theories cursing around on Tumblr, I have decided to be in denial and make up another reason why Essek was acting kind of weird this past episode. Also props to those guys for making me write again. I listened to Wait for me (Reprise) on a loop for this, now I can't get it out of my head, not that I'm complaining. Constructive criticism is appreciated very much. Love y'all.
> 
> Wisdom of the day: If you want to get into a Wizard's pants, show him your private library.

_„Essek seemed okay with you today, right?”_

_“I don’t know.”_

_“Its been a while since we’ve seen Essek and so I don’t know. Just seemed a little funky.”_

_“Yeah, maybe I caught a whiff of that as well. I don’t know what is bringing it about. We owe him favours and he has not asked.”_

_“We owe him everything.”_

_“I’m a little bit worried. Something about how he was behaving at that prison was funny to me.”_

_“I want to be wrong so badly. I think I’m just still paranoid. I have not let my guard down entirely for him, but maybe we are assholes.”_

It was much colder than Caleb had expected when he had left the Xhorhaus after tossing in his bed for what felt like hours. It was some time after midnight, the others had long abandoned their little concert and gone to sleep. Caleb dreaded what was to come in the morning, dreaded the uncertainty that came with each of their steps. He couldn’t help but wonder if they were doing the right thing, if they were missing something.

He buried his hands in the pocket of his coat, as he wandered the streets, no clear direction in mind. The thought of having to see Ikithon again, while made easier by the knowledge of having his friends at his side, still made his stomach turn. Thinking back to the last few days didn’t ease his mind. He hated to admit it, but this place had started to feel like home to him. Now it felt like everything was up in the air again. One wrong move and all of this would be gone.

“Caleb?” The familiar voice stopped him in his tracks. Looking up from the ground, he only now realised that he hadn’t been in this part of Rosohna before, and yet the Shadowhand was standing right in front of him, his head tilted curiously.

“I thought you had already gone back to Rexxentrum.” – “No. We decided to stay for the night.”

They stood there for a few moments in silence. Essek looked tired, exhausted even. Caleb couldn’t imagine what a toll this war had taken on him. He liked to imagine a younger Essek, bright and full of hunger for knowledge, like Caleb himself once had been.

“Do you always work this late?” Caleb asked, nodding to the parchment tucked under Essek’s arm.

The Shadowhand cracked a subtle smile, shaking his head. “Work never ends these days.”

Caleb nodded, once more drifting into an awkward silence. He found he was a more useful talker when his friends were around, and his opposite wasn’t _him._ In the beginning, it seemed so long ago now, Essek had been a means to an end, another step on the way to his goal, a calculated risk. He had been everything Caleb wanted to be, everything he had been so scared of, maybe he still was scared. But things had changed along the way. At first, he hadn’t even realised how close they were now. He had called it friendship. _Friends._ The word had left a bitter taste in his mouth back then, as if he was burying every possibility of making this something more.

“I don’t mean to be rude, but after the day I’ve had I don’t want to stand around in the cold long than I have to.”

Caleb took a step back, bowing his head slightly. “I apologize. I won’t hold you up any longer.”

“Actually, I was thinking about going back to my place. There are some things I wanted to discuss with you.”

Caleb hesitated. This was not what he had in mind when he had left the house for a walk. His friends would surely advise him not to follow the man who could so easily betray him. But Caleb nodded, and he followed behind the Shadowhand in silence as they made their way through the streets of Rosohna.

There wasn’t a grand entrance hall, no servants that took their coats as they entered. Essek’s house, as big as it was, was kept in a rather simple style. Caleb figured he didn’t spend as much time here as he did in the Lucid Bastion. He was one of the most important advisors to the Bright Queen after all. He led Caleb past the stairs, along a dimly lit hallway, into a room filled with bookshelves.

“You have quite the collection,” Caleb remarked, trying his best to hide his excitement. Fiddling with his own hands, he walked towards a shelf, carefully reading the spines.

“They come with the job.”

Caleb tore his eyes away from the books, shifting his gaze to the man standing in the middle of the room. If he didn’t know better, he would have said Essek looked nervous. The usual smugness in his eyes was nowhere to be seen. “You said you wanted to discuss something.”

“Yes. I believe I wasn’t quite acting as myself today and I wanted to explain myself.”

“We’ve been away for so long, and we didn’t even keep in touch. If anyone needs to apologize it’s me. There is no need to-“

“There is. Please, just, listen for a moment.” Essek looked like he wanted to step closer, but restraint his movement in the last second, sighing. “I have worked very hard to get to where I am now. My position is not something that is just given to someone on a whim. It takes loyalty and complete devotion the Luxon and the Crown. This war has complicated so much, more than you could even imagine. I cannot let myself be compromised by anything, _anyone._ My loyalties should not be divided, but-“ He paused, an almost desperate look crossing his face for just a second.

Caleb waited, his throat suddenly itching horribly, his heart hammering against his chest. A part of him expected the reveal he had subconsciously waited for, since the beginning. The deep fear inside of him that none of this had been real and Essek was the traitor after all. And would he really have had the right to be angry? There was a lot Essek did not know about Caleb, as well. But Essek said none of these things, didn’t admit to any betrayals, didn’t reveal his evil plan. The man in front of Caleb just looked at him, his words lost to whatever had gone through his mind at this very moment.

“I’m not sure I understand entirely what is going on.” 

This time Essek stepped closer, his eyes still looked with Caleb’s, his gaze not once wavering. “I am finding myself willing to give up my position, everything, for you.”

_Maybe we are assholes. Maybe I am._

Caleb wanted to throw up, wanted to run but his feet stayed planted firmly to the ground, his eyes holding Essek’s gaze. He wanted to speak, say something, but his thoughts were racing too fast for him to catch up.

“I understand that this could seem like I am coming out of nowhere, but there are only so many burdens I can take upon myself and keeping this to myself for any longer is not one of them.”

He nodded, still trying to make sense of all the words. “You’re right. This war has complicated so many things, not just for you, and it keeps making everything more complicated. I wish I could have an easy answer to this, but I do not.”

So many factors played into whether this could be something or not, factors that were not yet all determined. To give in to this desire was a risk he could not take for the sake of his friends and the good of both the Empire and the Dynasty. He knew he was being a coward, he was scared. There hadn’t been anyone in so long.

“I do not require an answer. I simply wanted to clear up my behaviour. I don’t wish to complicate these negotiations with my feelings.” There was it again, the subtle coldness to his dealings. The way he held himself like nothing could graze his pride. Caleb knew all too well all the ways to build one’s walls, to not let them see you hurt. They were so similar and yet so completely opposite.

And he wanted to tell him, about all the ways he had imagined this to go different. How he had hope for Essek to say exactly what he had said, how he had fantasised about a future where he could forgive himself and find something in this. He wanted to tell him, that this could be something, someday, with a lot of work.

“It is getting late.” Any warmth that had found it’s way into Essek’s voice had gone, leaving only the smug, calculating mind Caleb knew so well from their most conversations. He knew what Essek meant. _It’s getting late. You should go. It’s getting late. You’ve had your chance. It’s getting late. The next time we see each other could very well be on the battlefield._

There wasn’t much thought put into what he did next, otherwise he might have turned around and ran back to the Xhorhaus, but Caleb stepped forward, closing the remaining distance between himself and the Shadowhand. His hands instantly found their way to Essek’s cheeks, pulling him closer. There was a short pause in his movement, waiting for the other man to pull away, to push him away, but the rejection never came.

Leaning in, Caleb kissed Essek carefully. There was an instant lightness in his chest that spread through his whole body as their lips touched and Essek’s arms slowly curled around his waist. The kiss lasted only a few seconds, before Caleb broke away.

“I can’t promise you anything right now, but if we can end this war-“

“I’ll wait for you.”


End file.
